Hallelujah 2004

So here we are at the end of another December. This is a mixed time of year for me. The happiness of time with my family and friends, the warmth of the holidays, time off from work. But also the anniversary of my grandfather's death and the season of difficult contemplations and conversations where it became apparent that relationships were going to end or that a crush was just that and not mutual attraction.

The week between the Christmas holiday and returning to work at the start of the new year is a time of clarity, often uncomfortable, like the weather growing colder and colder but the air getting clearer and the light bright.

With that insight, I do think about my path for the year ahead. I don't always form "New Year's Resolutions", but I do have revelations and wishes.

Always at the top of the list is something about being with someone whose companionship brings out the best in me. There is a line in Michael Frayn's play Copenhagen which resonates very strongly with me (and it's probably good for me to be reminded of the responding line as well):

Bohr I was formed by nature to be a mathematically curious entity: not one but half of two.

Heisenberg Mathematics becomes very odd when you apply it to people. One plus one can add up to so many different sums . . .

Some years it's a commitment to working harder at a relationship or to ending one that is wrong for us both. Many years it has been an effort to throw cold water on a one-sided passion. I have more than once been so in love with the idea of being in love with someone that it took a while for the lack of interest on his part to get through to me.

The hardest part for me is always patience and not putting pressure on someone for whom I begin to feel something real. Oh yes, and patience when there is no sign of someone who belongs with me as I belong with him; patience in the face of the fear of always being alone. There's a nightmare to keep you crying under the covers: the empty side of the bed from now on. The spot that just can't be filled by some warm body with a nice smile.

And why am I such a simultaneous pessamist ("I must cling to this potential as tight as I can") and optimist ("We'd be perfect together!")?

Because the best relationship I ever had began with immediate, simultaneous recognition of our belonging together. Two months after we first laid eyes on each other, we knew so strongly that we were meant to be that we moved in together. And stayed together for about eight years. We're still friends, thank goodness. We may have grown into no longer being a perfect match for each other, but there's too much in common not to remain pals. A good outcome, but unfortunately along with that I am left without an example of my own slow, prudent patience resulting in a good, long-term relationship. I do have excellent judgement in people, in who to get involved with. My instincts are exceptionally solid and so my prudence has come from picking up the clues of someone's nature and knowing my own, but going slowly, being patient is always hard for me.

So there is resolution one:
Be patient. Stop pushing. Let it come or not come as it is meant to.

And the rest of my life? Family, work, health, money? It's all great. I did a very good job in 2004 and things are wonderful. So all I could really plan is to continue:

Keep up the good communications with my family, especially taking time to be with Grandma Susie. Visit the Sanders side up north this year.

Keep up the excellent performance at work and the balance that lets me achieve without great stress. Take a little more preparation time for things coming on the horizon, especially presentations.

Keep up the good work with my eating habits. I weigh 13 pounds less now than in July when I started the Hacker's Diet. Maybe I can weigh another 13 pounds less by this coming July. In any case, don't gain it back and get more exercise. It helps my mood as well as my body.

Keep saving money and spending wisely. Use the cushion my new part-time roommate will provide to push my savings even higher as well as to buy some new clothes that will work with my existing wardrobe to help me get the most out of my investments over the last few years.

Keep enjoying my home and the pleasure it brings me.

Keep practicing discardia and shedding stuff I don't need.

Keep finding the joy.

Comments

Hallelujah

So here we are at the end of another December. This is a mixed time of year for me. The happiness of time with my family and friends, the warmth of the holidays, time off from work. But also the anniversary of my grandfather's death and the season of difficult contemplations and conversations where it became apparent that relationships were going to end or that a crush was just that and not mutual attraction.

The week between the Christmas holiday and returning to work at the start of the new year is a time of clarity, often uncomfortable, like the weather growing colder and colder but the air getting clearer and the light bright.

With that insight, I do think about my path for the year ahead. I don't always form "New Year's Resolutions", but I do have revelations and wishes.

Always at the top of the list is something about being with someone whose companionship brings out the best in me. There is a line in Michael Frayn's play Copenhagen which resonates very strongly with me (and it's probably good for me to be reminded of the responding line as well):

Bohr I was formed by nature to be a mathematically curious entity: not one but half of two.

Heisenberg Mathematics becomes very odd when you apply it to people. One plus one can add up to so many different sums . . .

Some years it's a commitment to working harder at a relationship or to ending one that is wrong for us both. Many years it has been an effort to throw cold water on a one-sided passion. I have more than once been so in love with the idea of being in love with someone that it took a while for the lack of interest on his part to get through to me.

The hardest part for me is always patience and not putting pressure on someone for whom I begin to feel something real. Oh yes, and patience when there is no sign of someone who belongs with me as I belong with him; patience in the face of the fear of always being alone. There's a nightmare to keep you crying under the covers: the empty side of the bed from now on. The spot that just can't be filled by some warm body with a nice smile.

And why am I such a simultaneous pessamist ("I must cling to this potential as tight as I can") and optimist ("We'd be perfect together!")?

Because the best relationship I ever had began with immediate, simultaneous recognition of our belonging together. Two months after we first laid eyes on each other, we knew so strongly that we were meant to be that we moved in together. And stayed together for about eight years. We're still friends, thank goodness. We may have grown into no longer being a perfect match for each other, but there's too much in common not to remain pals. A good outcome, but unfortunately along with that I am left without an example of my own slow, prudent patience resulting in a good, long-term relationship. I do have excellent judgement in people, in who to get involved with. My instincts are exceptionally solid and so my prudence has come from picking up the clues of someone's nature and knowing my own, but going slowly, being patient is always hard for me.

So there is resolution one:
Be patient. Stop pushing. Let it come or not come as it is meant to.

And the rest of my life? Family, work, health, money? It's all great. I did a very good job in 2004 and things are wonderful. So all I could really plan is to continue:

Keep up the good communications with my family, especially taking time to be with Grandma Susie. Visit the Sanders side up north this year.

Keep up the excellent performance at work and the balance that lets me achieve without great stress. Take a little more preparation time for things coming on the horizon, especially presentations.

Keep up the good work with my eating habits. I weigh 13 pounds less now than in July when I started the Hacker's Diet. Maybe I can weigh another 13 pounds less by this coming July. In any case, don't gain it back and get more exercise. It helps my mood as well as my body.

Keep saving money and spending wisely. Use the cushion my new part-time roommate will provide to push my savings even higher as well as to buy some new clothes that will work with my existing wardrobe to help me get the most out of my investments over the last few years.

Keep enjoying my home and the pleasure it brings me.

Keep practicing discardia and shedding stuff I don't need.

Keep finding the joy.

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