In memory of my grandfather, Robert S. McCombs 2009

In celebrating Discardia this time I was going through some old boxes, finding things that can be discarded and re-discovering things that are important and which should never have been buried in a box.

These words, which I spoke at my beloved Grandpa Bob's funeral in the Wasco Methodist Church almost eight years ago, were in a old notebook I just opened at random. I thought I'd lost them or destroyed them in a moment of grief. I am so glad they were just a temporary victim of conquerable clutter.

---

When I was a child Grandpa Bob and Grandma Susie would bring me to this church, both for services and - to me more exciting - on church business at other times when I would get to play and explore in the Sunday School rooms and Epworth Hall while they did their grown-up things. Since then I've been to many other lovely places, even heard evensong in Canterbury Cathedral in England, but this remains for me the most beautiful church in the world.

I know that Grandpa loved it deeply too and felt proud to introduce me to it. Now he could have made a big deal out of that introduction, but he didn't.

One of the things about him which I most treasure, one of the best lessons he taught me, is that reverence and human nature needn't be at odds. When I was small, sermons were longer, by far, than my attention span. I suppose, by shushing and scolding, I could have been forced to suppress the outward physical signs of my mind wandering, but I suspect that the strongest lesson I would have learned in church might then have been how to pretend to be engrossed in something I didn't understand.

Instead of teaching me that lesson, my Grandpa Bob taught me a much better one: he taught me that inspiration comes to us not by straining but by relaxing and perceiving. And he did it in the most relaxed and intuitive way, teaching by doing.

He knew that inspiration, great and small, can come to us at any moment and so he kept his eyes and his mind open - and he kept a pen and some 3 x 5 index cards in his shirt pocket so if it did come he could write it down and remember it even if he had another dozen minor epiphanies on his way out the door!

When he took me to church, to this beautiful church, he was always watching me as well as listening to the sermon and when he saw my feet start to swing or noticed me reading the program for the fourth time, he wouldn't say a word, he'd just smile that wonderful smile and quietly slip me a card or two and his pen.

Thus my memory of church as a child is not of a place where some man went on endlessly about confusing things while the grownups shushed me repeatedly, but rather of a beautiful place where I could relax and listen and think and write or draw pictures and feel inspiration and love and reverence around me.

Now as an adult, at many an important occasion, I've learned that my attention span isn't that much bigger than it once was and I've suffered a pang of guilt for thinking something like "Good grief, this is the longest wedding ceremony I've ever been to..." but then I remember those 3 x 5 cards and the permission they gave me to approach things at my own pace, to receive whatever lesson I was ready to learn, to experience the mood, the nature, of a time and place without feeling the need to examine and record every detail.

I want to share this lesson with you.

At some point today, even in this memorial service for someone we love very deeply, we admire very much, our minds will wander. This is not a betrayal of his memory; he loved the human mind with all its quirks. He's laughing and winking at you when you realize you've drifted off. Don't worry about it; be yourself.

Bob always seemed to like us best when we were just that.

But while you're woolgathering, if you remember something about him, some anecdote or a quality you always like about him, whatever it be, won't you please take one of those 3 x 5 cards you see in there with the hymnals and jot a note to remind you to share the story with us in Fellowship after the service?

As I learned from Grandpa Bob, church is about inspiration; life is about inspiration; welcome the gift, great or small, when it comes. Be yourself and be open to grace.

Thank you.

Can't Get This On My Amazon Wishlist 2004

Wanted: outgoing geek (computer/music/book/...) guy who sighs and sings along with Johnny Boyd.

(And that little inner voice says "Really, my dear, are you sure it's wise to listen to sweet romantic songs when you're a bit more single than you'd strictly prefer to be?" *sigh*)

Week of change & activity 2004

It's been an odd seven days. Around this time last week, Chris & I called it quits as a couple. Unpredictably, the introvert is the one who acknowledge the growing "not-working-ness" and made the move to get what he needs & deserves. Which is what I need & deserve too, so it's fine. Sad, but real and right and good for us both.

So now I'm single. Which is a concept I haven't quite adjusted to yet, but I'm starting to warm to the notion. I like the freedom from expectation and obligation. I'm taking good care of myself emotionally. I'm doing all right with the sleeping alone. It's the lack of kissing that's getting to me most, I think. Got rather in the habit of that, you see.

My room is nice - there's been some rearranging of furniture to give us each our own spaces as we're still sharing our two-bedroom apartment. I like having my own little territory.

One thing that's helped is that my commute got faster. I started taking the transbay bus (the "Z") and it reliably takes as long in the morning as a fast day making all my connections by the old Muni-BART-EmeryGoRound Shuttle method. In the evening, it saves me 20-30 minutes, which is most welcome. And it costs 50 cents more each way. Worth it, I say. Plus I have an internet connection as I go over the bridge so I can read the news or blogs or what have you.

Sunday night was a surprise party for Kristin which was good fun. I got to see some people I haven't for a while. Once again Jane was the hostess with the mostest.

And here it is Monday again. Couldn't handle one more minute more than 8 hours of work today, so I bolted early and caught the 5:30 bus. Wonderful to be home by 6:15. Now it's almost 8, so I think it's time for a cocktail, a bath and the fourth Harry Potter book. (Yes, Kevin, that same book I started when we were dating long and long ago. For some reason I never did get around to it. Now I'm getting all antsy for the film of Prisoner of Azkaban and, since I don't want to re-read it until after I see the movie, I'm scratching the Hogwarts itch with the next book).

Mid-Afternoon Mind Drift 2002

After the post-lunch slump, after the recovery from the slump, after getting a few things done, a pause comes between tasks and my mind kind of wanders off, rattling sticks against picket fences, kicking pebbles, humming random tunes. And the tunes it's humming today are

"You do something to me...

I wanna be kissed by you
just you
and nobody else but you...

i can sense it
something important
is about to happen...

every ounce of you
and your love
ah, is all i need..."

Hmm? Huh? Oh! Uh, nothin', nothin', just thinkin' about a boy.

We like 'em short & geeky 2002

Chattin' with my pal Mena:

D: Is there some correlation between Perl and fabulous boys? I'm thinking so.
M: I think perl is more the artist geek's language -- you don't get the real dysfuncs programmers with perl.

Mmm, I'm tellin' ya, them Perl boys is some kinda sweet!

The Happiest Coincidence 2002

So it turns out that all the time this week when I was gazing off into space and thinking about that sweet person I just met who was so wonderful to talk with and has such pretty eyes, when I was thinking about how much I'd like to kiss that lovely mouth, when I was finding each new discovery revealed more of the kind of person I want to be with, he was doing the same thing.

Yes, we're now almost intolerably blissful.

Bedtime 2002

A productive day. I did laundry at the laundromat (towels just don't come out nice unless they get fluffed up in the dryer) and vacuumed and verified the contents of Edmond's next resupply box.

So, I ought to feel all smug and content, but I have captured a worried mood from somewhere. I guess just too much time on chores and not enough relaxation. Tomorrow I'll take the box to the post office and go grocery shopping. Fresh vegetables will inspire me to cook and that will make me feel much happier.

In truth, some of my tension is coming from the fact that I've been feeling cuddly all weekend with no one to take it out on. Ah well, that's what I get for being so dang picky. At least I can console myself about the lack of a lovely fellow waiting in bed to spoon me and keep me warm all night with the pleasure of clean sheets in a clean apartment.

Yeah, not exactly an even trade, is it? Well, throw in the fact that the apartment has just what I want in it and nothing I don't and everything is where I like it and I can listen to whatever music I'm in the mood for and play computer games all evening when I feel like it. There are some definite payoffs to solitude, I'm not denying that.

A friend told me that my boyfriend is "a hottie". 1999

He's right. Documentary evidence: Edmond (left) with his pal Jeff at the Burning Man Decompression Party.

Edmond: rogue? 1999

Dinah explains it all for you:
I've been distracted by that Meinfelder chap. He's a bad influence: got me eatin' a lowfat diet, takin' vitamins, gettin' up early and, ok, it's not all healthy, watchin' Deep Space Nine.

Soap Opera Update: Edmond didn't steal Steve's girl. I hadn't actually gone out with Steve when things got serious with Edmond. Not only that, but Steve & I have still never met in person. We were gonna go out, but we didn't. Now, as everybody agrees, "If it's ok with you, it's ok with me." We're all ok here, how are you?

So, in summation, Edmond may be a troublemaker and a bad influence, but he's not a skanky girl-thieving rogue*. All clear now?

*Sorry, Edmond. I know you were enjoying the notoriety, but I do prefer historical accuracy.

PRD-1A 1999

Got something you need to get off your chest? One little fact about you which you think might change our relationship? Use the handy-dandy Personal Revelation Disclosure Form - 1A!
(no, it doesn't actually submit to anywhere)

A First Date 1999

Did I have a good evening?
Let's just say when I got home I had to put on Vince Guaraldi's "Linus & Lucy" to reflect my inner mood.

Making Do 1999

Well, I'm back online. Not on DSL yet, but at least I can connect to the web and make phone calls. Being disconnected was such a drag. It'd be ok if I had someone around to socialize with, but I was working too many hours to want to visit anyone after work.

Now I'm tired. This is the night when I should have come home to a delicious dinner, a massage and somebody nice to snuggle off to sleep with. I'm making some dinner. It'll do. I can take a hot bath. That's nice. My flannel sheets are kinda snuggly and I've got a good imagination. Well, I guess that'll have to hold me for the moment. And on the bright side, I can eat whatever I want, be a total blob and go to bed early without cramping anyone else's style.

Summertime pining 1985

[ditto mark]!
[indicating previous entry: [First long-term relationship]! I miss you!]
I wish you were here with me to keep me happy & loved.

Early in sophomore year of college 1984

Here I am. [Guy of the moment] isn't what I really want. [First long-term relationship] is. Gentle, beautiful, not too butch or too much of a partyer. He is very like me. And yet different enough to help me grow. I don't feel like I have to make plans about forever with him. We have some political differences. I think he thinks things through more than I, either that or he doesn't think them through in a different way.

*****
For [First long-term relationship]:
? - Quarry Rock [The quarry at UCSC being the site of our first kiss while star-gazing. He's the one who taught me to recognize the constellation of Orion]
X - A Blue Feather
- - [crossed out] One of those tokens w/ "Dinah loves [First long-term relationship]" printed on it
X - A small plastic Godzilla or clydesdale
X - dry rose
? - a map of California with the route we took marked
[checkmark] - wood box from Cost Plus
X - something from Dickens (?) [This might refer to Dickens' Faire]
[X covered by a checkmark] - My poem
[checkmark] - + contents of envelopes

Planning it all out in my head 1984

Soon we will leave for Kauai. Once we come back I will have 3 weekends of Faire (although one 1/2 may be spent moving into the dorm) and 2 weeks of frenetic unpacking & packing. And then! I will be in Santa Cruz and the little drama with [guy of the moment] will begin. I hope things work out. I hope [previous good relationship] makes it in [to Faire? to SC?] sometime this year. The summer will be over soon.

I must remember to:
1. Send Lisa [my college roommate] a pineapple
2. Try to visit Grammy Mary
3. Write the Anthro Board and offer myself up as a sacrificial Research Aide
4. Win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes
5. Not fall prey to the debonair & deadly Master Fleming, etc.

Kissing all the boys 1984

Ahhh Faire! Who did I kiss today, let's see... [Previous good relationship], Michael Fleming, David Miles, [First steady boyfriend], hmmm. Michael is a bit of a flake, but he's pretty. David is my elder, but I like him and I doubt either of us has intentions beyond kissing. [Previous good relationship] is trustworthy and I do love him. [First steady boyfriend], oh dear. Well, he's cute. I do wonder about [guy of the moment] in the fall... a possibility of a serious, open [in the not sneaking around sense, not the sleeping with many people sense] relationship, Huzzah! Michael, flakey and trendy as he is, is still a nice guy. He's a little too "in" and a bit prone to taking himself too seriously, but I like him and he is very pretty.

[First steady boyfriend] just isn't the one for me. He's a bit too fond of rough play; he's not gentle and feminine enough like [previous good relationship] or [previous dysfunctional relationship]. He doesn't know the woman in his soul.

A pleasant conundrum 1984

What does one do when a lost love returns 2 years later? We were both attracted still, I think. That instant recognition was still there. "That spark..."

He either has the ability to delude completely or he is honestly a very nice guy. I don't know what it is about him, but as soon as I saw him (oh yes, him=[my first steady boyfriend]). I was back in a flirtatious and loving mood. It felt very natural to put my arm through his while we walked and, I think, we both wanted to sit and talk and work it all out (and kiss and make up?!)

He's very large (body-wise, not other unimportant measurements). He has such a nice smile though. He smiles with his whole face and my heart turns right over when he does it.

I think I remember. He has dark skin, though not so dark as [Southern Faire fling, who would have been more but for distance]. Perhaps [first steady boyfriend] and [previous dysfunctional relationship] fit "my type" better.

We met at the party after grand ring-out [the end of Renaissance Pleasure Faire]. His leg was injured, but he swept me off my feet and carried me down the hill. We went down to the boat and had lots of fun exploring (inside w/ no shirts. Yo ho ho!)

But his parents. Hmmm. Although I couldn't stand [previous good relationship]'s at first too... They didn't decide they couldn't stand me, however. [First steady boyfriend] better tell me the whole story. We're both much older now.

Hmmm... character ideas! An ensign of the Company of Foot wouldn't be a bad husband for Jayne [my Faire character]... (I don't think so, anyway). Depends on relations betwixt [first steady boyfriend] & myself. Deciding between Frederick [another Faire persona] & [fsb]'s character & ? would be a great [improv theatre] bit. ("Who do you think I should marry?")

More kindly than I recall it being 1984

I really don't think [previous dysfunctional relationship]'s breaking up with [girlfriend he claimed for months to be splitting up with] at all. My heart has switched. I wonder if that means I never really cared. I don't think so. He was very special, but I don't know if I love him anymore. [Previous good relationship] and I have something much more special and personal.

And what will happen with [guy of the moment]? There was a spark. Whether we are compatible is another question. As is how great a spark it is.

I am a dreamer.

Living on fire 1984

I suppose I'll have to work out another time to get that dress, unless Shelley meets me at Snapdragon at noon...

I wonder if [guy of the moment] will come to Faire?

What am I going to do with all this passion? I want someone to flirt with! I don't want this time while I feel like a flame to go to waste!

I haven't heard from [previous unhealthy relationship, guy I wrote in Tengwar about] yet. I wonder if I will.

I want to learn more about [guy of the moment]. Learning someone's ways is always exciting. If we [my family] weren't going to Kauai I might go mad this summer. Jinx is being weird. (Perhaps I'm being oversensitive). [Heh. In retrospect I'd bet on the latter]

Damn, I don't know what was so sexy about [guy of the moment]'s posture in class with those rainboots of his. I wish I'd been sitting a bit further back...

I should bring this journal to Scotland [crossed out] (wishful thinking) Kauai with me. Damn, I know I was thinking of something and now I can't remember what it was! Now I remember. I was going to reread the first part of this.

I could go back to SC [Santa Cruz] now, were it not for Faire. I make more money there anyway. I will get a camping pass for Faire, I think. Maybe. I don't know what to do about Rich Acheleta. Hopefully he'll find his way to Faire. [Can't remember this person or his context. Someone from school maybe?]

I think I'm going to be disappointed with [guy of the moment]. I dream too much. I'm not used to not being involved. Bullshit. I've always dreamed a lot. I don't want to get re-involved with [previous good relationship], or [previous dysfunctional relationship]. Well, actually, [previous dysfunctional relationship] and I could have wild orgies and remain fairly uninvolved. What am I to do with all this passion?!

Thinking about a cute boy 1984

I dreamt about [guy of the moment] this morning. Very gentle and loving. All newly in love and fluttery and lusty. Here I go again. And then the postcard arrived.

London in June is rather crowded, but it's LONDON!

And he signed it "Love,". Of course, I do that too, but it's nice anyway. I just hope I don't blow it by dreaming. He is a rather nice subject for fantasies, but if they screw up a good friendship that would be rather bad. I do enjoy falling in love (I keep wanting to capitalize Love!). Ah, what a silly creature I am, but happy.

About the dream: I wonder what the Freudian significance of malfunctioning elevators is? Not the box kind, it was sort of an expanded wire cage.

Freshman Lovesickness 1984

[It's July 1st, 2003, and I'm filling in my history. I have a journal, which was apparently a going-away-to-college gift, and the first entries in it, after all the "planning list" sort of entries are written in Tengwar. So I started translating them. As near as I can tell (since I was apparently using some odd numbering scheme), they date to late January/early February 1984. To my great disappointment, they are entirely devoted to gushing over this guy I was obsessed with and go something like this:]

[The guy of the moment] is a very nice man; beautiful eyes, a sweet smile [or possibly smell; Tengwar is phonetic and I wasn't very good at it], quite a likeable fellow. I wish I had some way of getting in touch with [him]. I want to learn more about him.

***

Why are all the good ones taken? Here I am in love again. Damn him! I bet he even has nice legs! Sweet sexy men like him are hard to come by! It's not fair! [Guy of the moment], why do you have to be taken?

[And then it gets really schmaltzy and I can't stand writing it down to haunt me further. Suffice to say I was an absolute mooncalf over this guy who had a girlfriend. In my memory, knowing how things turned out, I have painted him as the instigator who led me along, said things were on the rocks with her, snuck around with me behind her back and then cut things off coldly. Now I have to wonder if I wasn't self-centered, sexy and obsessed and managed to manipulate him into fooling around. Ugh.]

Physical Fear 1983

I don't remember exactly the last time I was physically afraid, but I do remember one particular incident that was very frightening. I was in a canoe accident. The canoe I was in the middle of wrapped itself around a log in the river. Fortunately, none of the 3 of us was trapped between the canoe and the log. We all held on to the canoe in the cold water. I was in the water up to my neck and the current was like something alive trying to drag me away from the canoe. I was terrified; all I could do was hang on to that canoe. My friends pulled me halfway out of the water, but, since I was wearing shorts and my legs were in the water, I was still losing body heat. We caught a garbage bag we had been using in the canoe and I used it to insulate my legs. We sat on that log for an hour while the other members of our group figured out how to rescue us. We dealt with our fear by making jokes and swearing at just about everything within range, especially the canoe. The canoe was bent into a U- shape around the log so we have since referred to the disaster as "the Taco incident".

    I am often afraid in a relationship that it is not going to work out. I am afraid that for some reason we will break up. This fear I can usually overcome because I know I will survive. The fear of death is much, much worse.

[more about boys] 1982

Things are strange this week. I'm going out Sunday with [older guy] (oh joy oh rapture unforeseen) Nick wants to know what kind of candy I like. John wrote a note on my test. Greg is sick, but he would have gone. What fun! Nathan's a git, but nothing's perfect. Not much to do this weekend; No anatomy, no french, some English (actually a lot) probably no gov't, and pies for probs.

    I like to go to the exploratorium. (My computer training shows through, I have a hard time writing 'go to' without writing 'goto')

    Oh blessed friday. What nonsense.

Logic by T-shirts

"If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't shit" therefore cowboys are shit. Somehow I don't think thats what the person had in mind.

Them Guys

Too many pretties
to chose my favorite,
and what if they're ugly inside?

THAT Guy

He may be a good boy
but he tries to get revenge
on me for being loved.
Oh hateful creature,
I will not accept
I will not feel guilty.
What you fail to understand
you cannot punish me for.
Don't even try, I won't listen
I don't want to hear
you will deny it all
because you still don't understand.

[angst again] 1982

I'm depressed today. I want to go out with somebody; but I'm worried. If I ask them will they shy off. I don't know what to do.

Greg: It might change a good friendship into something bad.

John: Might get scared off.

Nick: "    +

[older guy]: Might want one thing only.

[handwriting gets VERY bad here on:]
My glasses cost too much money and they don't even fit. I've probably ruined them already!

Freewriting 1982

    One nice thing about a school as big as this is that it is possible to avoid people. N. is just repulsive to me now. I don't want to have any contact with him at all. Maybe that seems really cold, but he just dumps on me too much. I want to kick him.

    John is still attractive. I enjoy his company, but I have a hard time with his [tobacco] chewing, etc. (especially the etc.) Greg is fun to flirt with, but I think things will work out better if we just keep it at flirting. N. is ugly. I don't even want to look at him. [older guy (by a few years) met through Ren Faire crowd]. Why would Roderic tell me to watch out for guys like him? Mayhaps I shall ask [older guy]. I think I'll try to tame [older guy]. He pushes but he does check. I will have to be very careful. Maybe I'll even talk to Roderic about it. [Older guy] is very pretty. Why does it bother me that John parties and not that [older guy] does? Is [older guy] any more trustworthy?