freewriting: Good friends 1982

I have a lot of friends who I believe are good people. I don't know a lot of people really well, but I do have a wide range of friends. I lost a friend. He and I went to school together from about kindergarten on and for most of that time we lived about a block apart. But something changed recently, he is cold and distant. I am sorry to have lost his companionship.

    I like people who speak their mind, who stand up for themselves on being different. People who do what they really feel like doing yet can also consider other peoples' needs. My friends can be gentle and caring and considerate without compromising their needs. I like independent people, people who will not be offended if I am busy or just don't feel like talking, people who will know that if something is wrong I will tell them and we will work it out. I like people who have qualities I like about myself, but complete identicalness doesn't sound very nice. I like to learn and I can learn from people with some things in common and some differences. The quality in common helps me to understand the differences.

[mooning over boys] 1982

He is awfully goodlooking. I hope I didn't screw everything up with that flower. I don't think I did. He told me this morning how he did on a test he took. Maybe he's actually shy!? How strange that is. I am so disgusted with Nathan D. He doesn't relax, he doesn't even eat chocolate chip cookie dough! He guilt-slings and I just can't handle much of his company at one time. He doesn't play, he's awkward and that creates tension in me. I guess I like the naughty boys better. You are too nice for me, Nathan.

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Page #'s for Macbeth 1-7, 16, 94-102

freewriting 1982

    Relationships are confusing. [Current boyfriend] lives in Novato. I haven't seen him for a month and he asked me to go steady with him then. That isn't working. I never see him, he doesn't write or call. I just hope he wants to break up as much as I do. I think it may have just been a really superficial attraction. I don't think we have that much in common. His father doesn't like me. So I want to break up with him. I'm not ready to go steady. I want to be able to go out with people I like and not worry about whether it's o.k. or not because of their sex. I have been attracted to so many people who are older and more experienced than I, that it is very strange to spend a lot of time with someone who is younger and as cautious and worried as Nathan [not old-pal, gaming buddy Nathan; some other guy] is. I have more in common with him than with [current boyfriend], but, despite it's being flattering, being admired that much is a little unnerving. And what about John [kicker from the football team who would wear shorts to class, *sigh!*], if there was ever a purely superficial attraction there it is. Or Greg, he's just a friend, but he seems awfully fond of me. I'm not used to being so flattered.

Solving Problems + complaints 1982

1. I'll talk to him about what his needs are and see if we can find a way to meet both of our needs.

2. I can stay the whole year, relax and have fun. [Instead of trying to finish high school early]

3. I can get my easy homework done at school leaving time at home for anatomy.

4. My paper for American Problems is now due Monday.

5. I can go to bed earlier or just live with being tired.

6. I will see him this weekend.

7. I don't need to.

8. I don't have to decide until next month.

9. I can pick fleas in my spare time.

10. I can get it done at school.

11. I can call him.

12. I can wait until Saturday.

13. I don't "have to" do anything.

14. I can relax, slow down and enjoy life more.

15. I can stop buying candy.

16. I can change that.

17. I can pay it.

18. He doesn't have to spend a lot of money on me, I just need some of his attention.

19. My hair is still pretty.

20. I can wait 'til I get home.

21. I still have to ask my parents and talk to [current boyfriend] about it.

Problems or complaints 1982

1. [Current boyfriend] doesn't call or write enough.

2. I need a 1/2 a unit of U.S. History. [Oh, just realized that I must at this point be in public school not the private school writing classes I've been picturing as I transcribe this old spiral notebook.]

3. Anatomy isn't easy.

4. My paper for American Problems is due friday.

5. I'm tired.

6. I miss [current boyfriend].

7. I don't know what I want to do with my life.

8. I don't know whether or not to stay the whole year here at Alhambra or not.

9. Our dogs have fleas.

10. I have homework.

11. I need to talk to [current boyfriend].

12. I need to hug [current boyfriend].

13. I "have to" do work.

14. I haven't been having enough fun.

15. I haven't got a steady source of money other than allowance and babysitting.

16. I am getting greedy about money.

17. I am going to have a big phone bill.

18. [Current boyfriend] won't (at least not from calls to Martinez)

19. I have split ends.

20. I need to take a shower, I feel grubby.

21. I want to go to the movies and the party on Halloween, but I'm not sure if I'll have time to do both or if my parents will let me go to the party.

Possible Future #1 1982

After taking Night School, I Graduate from High School in January and begin at DVC [Diablo Valley College, community college] for the first 9 week spring courses. I get a job at the library and work there until the end of May when Mo [my aunt], Aimee [???], [current boyfriend], and I go to Europe. I am able to resume my job at the library when I get back and I continue to live with my parents until the fall of 1984. I then go to a 4 year college for my Junior and Senior years. [current boyfriend] graduates in Spring of '85 and gets a job by Christmas. I graduate in '86, continue working part time at a library, and get a Part-time bookkeeping or programming [I think I was learning Basic around this time] job. In the fall of '86 [current boyfriend] has gotten fairly secure in his work and I get just the kind of job I want in November. We make plans to marry in April 1987. David Patrick [last name of current boyfriend] is born August 10, 1987.

[Hoo boy am I glad this didn't come true. I'd have a 22 year old and a mother-in-law who may or may not have ever learned to like or trust me. Brrr. Reading it is like a goose walking over my grave. - August 2009]

I don't wanna write about that. 1982

I want to go home and hide in my room. I could get so much done if I didn't have so much homework. I could work on my weyr [Incredibly complex project at tracking imaginary statistical history of an Anne McCaffrey inspired world]. I could go to the bank. I'm so tired these days. Overloaded with homework, not doing all the chores I should at home. Certainly not getting enough sleep. What are they doing up there? They are banging things around all over. What class is that? I'm going to talk to [boyfriend of the moment] tonight. We should start to write each other: it would be a great dealer cheaper than phone calls.

    I'm worried about his operation tomorrow. I hope he isn't in too much pain over the weekend. I'd like to send him flowers, maybe Jinx [my mum] can deliver them during her lunch break or on her way home. I would like to send him flowers and cookies and loving letters to tide him over until next weekend. I don't want him to be alone and hurting. I feel so helpless, like I can't do anything to make it easier for him. I'll buy stamps this afternoon and write him letters every day or every other day. Hopefully he will write me too. I think he will.

A Writing Exercise From School 1981

Core group
Dinah Sanders

I don't want to write about rain, so I won't. [Yeah, I was a pretty pigheaded young girl.] I want somebody to spend time with. I'm tired of being alone. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend, although that would be nice. I'm tired of spending all my time by myself, at home, with Jinx and Paul [my parents].

It would be so nice to have someone to hold, to whisper to in class, to go out with.

It seems like people expect me to want to be by myself.

[In retrospect, and certainly when I read things like this, I think it would have been better for me to have gone to public school for my junior and senior years of high school. I would have thrown fits about being forced to do it, but it would have been really good for me to have been in a school of over 1000 people instead of one of 80.]

...the more they stay the same. 1979

I couldn't stop with [boy o' the moment]. Sigh.

G'night.

Working up the courage 1979

I will talk to [boy o' the moment] tomorrow. (I hope he's there). Maybe if I know he doesn't love me, than [sic] I will leave him alone and if he does love me, (oh please!) than [sic] I haven't got anything to worry about (ha ha).

G'night.

The more things change... 1979

I'm still after [boy o' the moment] anyway.

G'night.

Changing My Mind 1979

I decided that [boy o' the moment] is not for me. We are too different.

I wish someone would get into a relationship with me like Eric got a relationship with Deanna.

Gossip & envy 1979

Erik L. and Deanna seem to be rather fond of each other.

I wish that [boy o' the moment] would let me find out how he feels so I know whether or not to keep pursuing him.

I need someone to confide in. Maybe Jacque or Deanna.

I better get to sleep now. G'night.

Revelations 1979

[boy o' the moment] knows I'm crazy (I told him) now. I want to tell him how I feel, but I haven't gotten my guts up to it yet. We're getting there.

Ah, teenage longing 1979

I am falling in love with [boy o' the moment]. He has made a D&D character and will be playing with Erik L., Robert W., David F. and Brooks [a teacher]. I will be 'D.M.-ing'. Ken and someone else were making noise during centering so I couldn't get into it [Yep, my late 70's hippy school had a relaxation class]. It seems like [boy o' the moment] is starting to pay attention to me. I hope he likes me.