Trust your inner singing voice 2006

My mother has a concept called Track 9 (after 8-track recording) which is where that song in the back of your head is playing. Track 9 usually has a message for you.

When I came in the door after a busy day at work which culminated in something I thought would happen in two and a half weeks at earliest actually happening Friday and requiring me to send work email when I got upstairs, I was tired.

I stayed elsewhere last night (oh put your eyebrow back down) and was feeling the beginning of that "Mmmm, I'm home. I have a quiet evening ahead as soon as I finish this up." sensation.

And then the phone rang.

It was my friend Jason saying "You know there's a D&D game tonight, right? Did you get the email?"

I did not get the email.

It was at this point that track 9 switched to:

...It's all too much
for me to take...

I think I'm gonna miss the game; that's what I think.

Getting Things Done 2005

I'm just getting into David Allen's Getting Things Done again and finding this time that I'm really going to be able to implement it. I had adopted some of his approach philosophically on a prior reading, but now I'm ready to put the full process in place. The glory of the clear desk, empty inbox and focused mind await!

In addition to reading the book, I recommend reading Merlin Mann's 43 Folders website (introduction to his take on GTD, all GTD posts) and Mac users should check out Ethan J. A. Schnoover's Kinkless KGTD (introduction, endorsement from Merlin).

I'll be writing more about Getting Things Done in the coming months, I know. I am already feeling the benefits at work.

So very busy. 2004

I've been quiet here since I've been crazy busy at work. I come home wanting something amusing to escape to and so I've been surfing the web, chatting with friends and watching DVDs. Not a huge amount of creative output in the evenings since I've been doing so much writing during the days. Admittedly, it is less fun to write & proof read documentation than posts about wonderful weird things seen on the web, but at least my writing muscles are getting worked out.

Not so much my physical muscles. Mental exhaustion can fool me into indolence when what I really need is to move around. The diet I'm on also leaves me with a little less energy, I suspect. Overcoming that pull away from activity is difficult. Today, though, I'll get a good bit of walking in. I have taken the day off to relax and see the geisha exhibit at the Asian Art Museum before it closes later this month.

Earlier this year I'd talked about taking a vacation, maybe up to visit my aunt & grandmother in Alaska, but then my company decided that one of the other product managers and I should put new versions of our products out twice a year instead of once and that made work fairly insane. I think we'll get good at it - already it's forcing us to be more efficient, but it is still a little crazy-making. On the bright side, I'm getting asked to present more at conferences, so that's giving me a little travel.

I'll be in Portland middle of next month and will get to take a 3-day weekend before the conference to play tourist. I'll be staying at the Jupiter Hotel and doing a lot of walking around downtown, visiting museums and parks, and, of course, hanging out at Powell's Books.

Now it's time to be a tourist in my own city. Off to ride the trolley to the museum!

Where I'd Rather Be 2004

Thank you, Dean, for your lovely pictures that brighten even my bad days.

Better 2004

Good long walk. Went back to Amnesia at 19th & Valencia which I remembered (har har) being a pleasant place and sure enough it was. Nice bartender Sean (or perhaps Shaun or Shawn, one never knows). I had a half pint of cider which was cheap and not too intense for a Monday night. Listened to Muchas Bluegracias for a while (Mondays are bluegrass night, and I hear that Wednesdays are Jazz). Caught the bus most of the way back and then worked up a sweat coming the rest of the way home.

It's too darn hot. This does not bode well for summer at all. Time to hit the showers.

Long hard day, warm summerlike evening 2004

Yesterday was mixed. Nice sleeping in. Nice omelette making. Nice visit with Grandma. Icky (rental car) driving. Yucky not making it back to San Francisco in time to return the car early and be done with it. Horrid accidentally scraping the paint on said rental car in the crowded Safeway parking lot by running the front fender across the rear fender of an occupied vehicle. Almost no damage to his car. Obvious paint damage to the rental. Home in a thoroughly desolate mood.

Morning. Up early to return car and fill out damage report. Scramble at work to complete more information for a big presentation to other departments about the next release. Too many phone calls and people stopping by my cube (Is the desire not to be disturbed some sort of attractant?)

Presentation went very smoothly. Stayed on time and covered everything I intended to. Only some people fell asleep a little bit. Pretty good for a 3 hour meeting. Left work early and was home by 6pm. Borderline too-hot - it would be a perfect summer day, but in April it makes me wonder how hot summer will get.

Now it's night. I want to walk out and sit in some nice cafe or tea shop or bar and experience the city, but then I'd stay up too late and spend money I shouldn't. Yeah. Fretful Dinah.

Oh, I just hate feeling like a Smiths song, or at least feeling like "How Soon Is Now?" This is dumb. I'm going for a walk. Maybe I'll come back home feeling "Vicar in a Tutu".

How to build a crappy evening 2004

1) Don't check personal email before leaving work and fail to see invite to gathering tonight of people you really really like until it's half over.

2) Waffle for a while about paying for a cab when you might get there and find everyone was ready to leave.

3) When you do decide to go anyway, walk down your steep hill a few blocks and realize just as you get within hailing distance of empty cabs that your wallet is back at home.

4) Climb back up the hill and fail to reach any of your cool friends on their mobile phones to confirm that they're still up for hanging out and having fun.

5) Mope in front of your computer.

6) Check email and get nothing but spam.

How to turn around a crappy evening:

1) Receive spam with subject "cancelled guignol".

2) Chat with one of your bestest pals.

3) Eat Scharffenberger chocolate.

4) Listen to the soundtrack to Triplets of Belleville.

5) Let bestest pal connect you up with more of your pals in goofy new chat interface.

Slowing down 2004

I have an idea in my mind of something I observed, something spinning, and it would reach a point where it hesitated and spun back in the opposite direction. It's been that sort of day. I slowed, stopped, changed course.

I have surrounded myself with more quiet today than I generally have been of late. Usually I play music, often randomly, skipping what doesn't suit my mood. Today I listened to the sound of the house and the world around the house drifting in. Tonight I was ready for music again, but I wanted to be wrapped in sound that enhanced the feeling of today: slow, but not sleepy; aware and undisturbed. I listened to Sheila Chandra and I wrote a short piece of erotica and then read ostensibly unerotic writing which nonetheless delighted me in the sensuality of its good form.

I am aware of my vacation which will be starting in a few days. It's like seeing not just the coastline you've been sailing towards, but the actual beach where you'll come up on the sand.

In the last 30 hours I have been the person I want to be, in the place I want to be, making choices which feel absolutely right. I am calm, centered, content.

Ask yourself:
What do I love? Who do I want to share my time with? When do I feel most myself? How can I pare what surrounds me down to just that which is right in this moment? Why am I doing anything that doesn't bring me this?

You may find, like me, that you can be extraordinarily selfish, indulge yourself, without making any demands on anyone else. They may, in fact, think that you've given them something. [Afterthought: it could be that it only appears this way if what you wanted to indulge in was directing your energy outward. Perhaps they thought I gave them something because I did.]

Ah, there is one exception to that view of my time since my party started yesterday. This afternoon Judith kindly indulged my sudden, childlike, greedy desire for a small scarf made from a particular yarn we saw when visiting Imagi-knit. I bought her some new needles and promised either a pot of tea or a cocktail when it's done. Seems like I'm getting a great deal, but perhaps she is showing me my own principle in action.

Contentment 2004

I feel great this morning. Last night I had a party and got to hang out with my wonderful friends, nibbling chocolate, drinking wine, eating good food and having the best conversations. I was a smart cookie and remembered to drink enough water late in the evening and slept very well. A thoroughly satisfying evening mentally, physically and emotionally.

Now it's midday on Sunday, I've slept in, enjoyed the sunshine and birdsong coming into my apartment, had another fantastic conversation, read interesting things (another post coming in a few minutes after I go have tea with Judith), and feel utterly relaxed and at peace.

My life is good.

Travels 2003

I took a strange journey over the last month and a half or so. I ventured into the lands of fandom and beyond to the shadowed realms of gossip and "real person stories". Now I'm back and feeling a bit tarnished from the trip. It's not that I didn't meet nice people in my travels, I did and in the most surprising of places, or that I did things I'm deeply ashamed of, I didn't. It just led me to confront some truths about pop culture and my part in it that have left me uneasy.

The first of these truths is that performers (actors, musicians, artists, whatever) are often treated as characters by their fans. They populate fantasies, are given attributes important to the fan, and their reactions to any of this are rarely considered. They are treated as dolls. Not by all fans or all the time, but often.

The second of these truths is that fans' wishes for them can take on a life of their own. The web now allows people who've been independently building fantasies and imagining certain qualities around performers to easily connect with other people thinking similar thoughts. When the wish ("He must be sweet and innocent", "She must want children", "They must be a couple") is shared, those fans can start to resist anything which contradicts it, even if those contradictions are born of the performer's own real actions or wishes.

The third truth is that sometimes the story created by a fan or a group of fans is more compelling, more personally significant, more fun than the truth. Good stories are what makes us human, so there's nothing inherently wrong in making them up, it's just the potential effect on the real person being used as a character that makes this morally problematic.

As I sit here unpacking my mental suitcase from this trip, I do feel like I've been a tourist. Sometimes barging around naively annoying the natives. Sometimes one of a thousand flashing cameras grabbing a moment before jumping back on the bus and never really connecting with the subject of my pictures. Sometimes projecting my own world view onto everything around me. Sometimes meeting other travellers and forming a real connection. Sometimes being horrified by the other tourists and wondering "Am I that bad?" Sometimes managing to stop interpreting everything from my own point of view and instead just see, just be. Always learning. Often laughing.

A strange trip indeed. Saw some pretty sights along the way though, I must say.

Positive Vibration 2003

Want to be healthy? Strong? More open and lickable and less bitter and baffled and cynical? Ask for it, place some divine intent behind it and breath it in and imagine what it would feel like to radiate health and sexual vibrancy and self-defined joy and really cool taste in shoes. That's how you start.

Mark Morford sez Shut Up And Vibrate Already

Oh, and by the way, it's National Masturbation Month...

Wow. That hardly hurt at all... 2003

My fear of visiting Houston, Texas, turns out to have been unnecessary. Though I did see big hair, hear alarming accents, get subjected to an anti-Osama joke from the funeral deal hawking shuttle bus driver, find myself surrounded by rampant religiousity and have a bitch of a time finding something to eat at the convention besides BBQ, the trip was redeemed by:

- the kickass staff of theWarwick Hotel
- the great musical selection at Sound Waves
- the best meal I've had all year at Boulevard Bistrot
- a surprise opportunity to attend the Cirque du Soleil's "Allegria"

So I learned I can survive Texas outside of Austin. Of course, I also learned that even if I stick to the hipster district and some carefully selected activities I will be constantly reminded that I am Not Like Them. Take me home where the freaks are, baby.

(Also should mention I had a bad case* of manufactured mood overload when I was stuck with eating dinner in a Bennigan's restaurant. It's like they programmed a computer to recognize nostalgia-provoking objects & music, but forgot to tell it to only do one at a time. 80s-Irish-50's-sports-30s-southwestern-70s-pub...and here I began to twitch...)

*Cayce Pollard

Sense of ease not found 2003

You know you're having one of those days (and that you're a web geek) when you look at the clock, see "4:04" and say, "Man, ain't that the truth."

Is it what you do when you're all alone and can do whatever you want that defines you? 2003

[This post is a reaction to Kristin's wistful comments at the end of SXSW]
I have similar feelings at SXSW too. It's the height of my feeling connected to this great community of people and also when I feel most alone and foolish. I guess that's because I like the people so much I worry more about them liking me, maybe? Anyhow, I am sorry I missed the fun this year, but it was good to stay home. I was a very different Dinah than I expected to be this last week and I'm still sorting that out - not web geek project grrrl or walk all over the city woman, but reading sleeping daydreaming movie watching mostly by myself Dinah. Reminds me of who I was as a teen; an only child sitting up in her room listening to music and gazing out windows. Perfectly happy except for that nagging sensation that I was somehow supposed to be doing something different.

Now it's the last day of my vacation (*sigh*) and a beautiful afternoon. I'm watching clouds go by and listening to music. Dreamy and indolent. That voice in my head says I should seize these hours and run around and DO SOMETHING, but I think it's full of it. Tomorrow I will be back at work in the middle of the usual frenzy, putting out whatever the fire du jour is. Time enough for hustle then. Now the sun is shining, the trees are blowing in the wind and I don't have to do a thing...

Survival Tip 2002

One of the best things you can learn to do for yourself is to omit the unnecessary without guilt. When work is hard or you have family stress or you're feeling sick, let go of things your gut tells you you don't need to do.

My new job, though I love it, is really hard. I'm doing better at it than I expected and enjoying it more too. Still, it is a mental workout. That's been the main source of if not stress at least wiped-out-ness.

It's not that I have nothing more to say or I didn't want to come to your party or I don't like to write email to you or whatever it was I didn't do; it's just that I needed to retreat and recharge.

I recommend it. Watch a movie. Do some fun project around home. Go for a walk. Do whatever whole-lotta-nothing strikes your fancy. You deserve it. I certainly do. ;)

Ways To React 2002

This morning I saw a very near miss. At Grove and Polk around 6:40am, a Jeep clipped the back wheel of a bicycle. The rider didn't fall down and was able to get safely to the side of the street. The Jeep pulled over immediately and the driver leapt out and rushed up to the dismounting bike rider.

I was too far away to hear what they said, but the driver's hands went out to the arm, then the shoulder of the cyclist. All the driver's body language was expressing concern and profound apology. As I walked on past, they were walking towards the back of the Jeep, the driver's hand still on the cyclist's shoulder, and I got the distinct impression that the driver was going to give the cyclist a ride.

Anger is an option. You don't need to choose it. It's particularly important not to choose it when you're the one at fault. It's also particularly constructive not to choose it when you aren't at fault and the one who is has taken ownership of their error. Move past the anger to the best resolution and you'll save yourself a lot of energy (and, not incidentally, usually end up better off than you would have otherwise).

Hard Morning 2002

I wish that the anniversary of the 9-11 attacks was a weekend, that it wasn't a day in many ways just like that day last year. So many reminders to shake me up and yet, I, though emotionally very affected, was not personally touched by the tragedy except through some casual friends, except philosophically or politically.

Here I am at work again. Thinking about it all. Distracted by it all. Wanting to make those human connections. Caring more about my friends and family and about peace. Wondering if this stupid species will ever learn to stop hurting each other, hating each other.

Anil has been on my mind the last few days. He was who I spoke to the most that day, I think. We chatted on some instant messaging client, I in Silicon Valley, he in Manhattan. Since my PC gave up the ghost, since I changed jobs, I haven't been chatting online. It's a distraction I can ill afford in my challenging new job and a time-consuming habit I decided to drop. I would like to say hello to Anil though and let him know I am thinking of him, wishing him well, appreciating his clarity and humanity that shines in his writing.

This morning there was a woman playing the cello in the BART station. That is the music for today; not patriotic ballads, not the national anthem, just a low sad theme, wandering, wistful, humane.

Busy Happy Time (a letter from Dinah) 2002

Hello all,

I'm well and having a lovely birthday. It started early last Saturday with an afternoon trip with my super splendiferous boyfriend Chris to the relaxing hot tub spot Watercourse Way in Palo Alto and then a prolonged and excellent dinner at La Fondue in Saratoga. That restaurant is amazing; during our two hour meal we had a wonderful wine (99 Benziger Cabernet Sauvignon), fancy salad, a delicate cheese fondue, many different meats cooked in a seasoned red wine broth and dipped in 6 different sauces, and a dark chocolate dessert fondue which we were a bit too full to do justice to. We overstuffed ourselves and had to go laze around in the summer evening sun in the grass in Cuesta Park in Mountain View before we could drive back to San Francisco and giggle incoherently in a digestive stupor while watching the second Austin Powers movie (which I'd not seen and which is not as good as the first one but still has some amusing moments).

Sunday and Monday were mostly concerned with various casual activities around the apartment and some small chores. Tuesday I did a lot of tidying up around the house and preparations for my last day of having a company car (I haven't owned a car for years), but I made up for it in the evening when I was treated to dinner and a rock concert at The Fillmore with They Might Be Giants by my friends B.J. and Beverly. Big big fun! One of the best concerts I've ever been to.

Wednesday I woke up slow and then scurried around on various errands - picking up Chris's guitar from the shop, buying things for Edmond at REI and mailing supplies to him on the Pacific Crest Trail (read his exploits at www.meinfelder.com), turning in the car and signing final paperwork re: my departure from SoftDevices. After all that, my dear friend Fil picked me up, drove me back to San Francisco and treated me to dinner at Frjtz, a crepes & Belgian fries place 2 blocks from my apartment. We sat in the window seat eating our dinner while the live dj spun tunes. After dinner we walked a block around the corner to Momi Toby's Coffee House and had after dinner coffee while a violinist performed various classical pieces. Then we we walked to a new bar in the Tenderloin called Julip. Very classy and yet low key and approachable. Soft lighting, interesting decor and a knowledgeable bartender. I had a Mojito - a classic cocktail involving fresh mint, rum & lime juice - and it was absolutely perfect. I'll definitely go there again; I vastly prefer a single perfect drink to an evening of mediocre wine, beer or drab drinks. From Julip we wandered down Larkin street to a bar/independent film screening room called Jezebel's Joint which was populated by only a handful of customers and, apparently, a resident dog named Claire, but which had a friendly atmosphere like a neighborhood pub. Again worthy of another visit with a larger crowd of friends. We walked back to my place through the cool evening air and I was thinking how great it is to live in one of the finest cities in the world. To have all these imprompteau pleasures on a Wednesday night is such a treat!

Today and Friday I'll continue my celebration by doing whatever the heck I feel like - I'm done with the old job and the new one doesn't start until August 1st - which will might involve long wandering walks around San Francisco. I'm still working on my project of walking every street, every block of this fair city and I'm making good progress.

Ah, and soon I begin an adventure: my first real trip to the midwest. I'll be flying to Minneapolis to meet Chris's family and attend his sister's wedding. According to reports from Chris, who went out there a few days ago, the weather has ranged from sweltering to incapacitating. Mm. Well, at least it will be a new experience. Assuming I don't get sucked dry by mosquitos or melt, I'll let you know how it goes. I expect I'll be spending a fair amount of time indoors reading and drinking gallons of cool water.

Oh, the new job. Right. Well, it's just perfect for me. I'll be working for a company [which do to my googlability I'll just refer to as Yi], one of the premier (if not The premier) library automation software companies. That means they make the computer programs which libraries use to manage catalogs, circulation, acquisitions, etc. They've been around over 20 years and have about 260 employees. They're based in Emeryville, which is just a short BART train ride away from me, so I won't need to get a car - a mercy in this city of too little parking! I'll be working as the Product Manager for one of their six products and will be focused on their Web Online Public Access Catalog. In normal English that means the catalog the public uses in the library or via the Web to look things up. It's one of [Yi]'s biggest products, so it's an important position and I'm excited by the challenge. The Product Managers act as the key person for their product, educating and evangelizing about it both inside and outside the company. They also act as a communication conduit between customers and the development team working on future versions. It's very exciting and ties in perfectly with my experience. I'm really looking forward to it. It will be great to have a challenge and to be with a big stable company after this past year of waiting for new projects and taking reduced pay from a struggling little company.

Well, even though it's now technically no longer my birthday, I don't think I'll let that stop me from continuing to celebrate for another few days. There are many interesting walks to have and shops to putter around in, ah, and mornings to sleep in on. That was definitely a good way to start today. :)

Keep enjoying the summer everyone! Don't forget to squeeze in lots of fun! As Grandpa Bob taught me, via Pogo, "Don't take life so serious, it ain't nohow permanent."

Up & Down 2002

Man, I'm tellin' you, this emotional stuff is a workout. It takes up time & energy and leaves me wiped out. If anyone's succeeded in taming their black dog, drop me a note sometime and let me know what worked for you. I'm ready to be rid of the beast.

Pushing Through The Darkness 2002

*phew* I hate the Black Dog mornings.

I had made a list yesterday of things that need to get done today and when I was ready to just curl up in a ball instead I just started doing things. Got my bills paid and found in one of them an offer for a 0% credit card with balance transfer which could solve one of my problems otherwise coming up this August when the current 0% deal runs out.

I was hungry then and to my joy had the leftover pizza from last night's fabulous dinner party at Ben & Mena's house. Individual pizzas and Ben's bruscetta & garlic bread and great people makes for one heck of an evening.

Now I'm listening to "If I Had A Million Dollars" and thinking it's going to be okay. Life ain't perfect, but it ain't that bad either.

I guess it wasn't the wine... 2002

I didn't have any wine yesterday, but again I woke up exhausted and spaced out. Beautiful day outside, but I just feel cruddy & want to crawl back into bed and sleep until things get better.

Can't get Edmond's pictures up. iTools isn't working as Apple touts it to - frustrating for them to let me down so fast and be just another company that releases a service before it's really ready. (What happens is I open my iTools drive & it shows on my desktop, but then I can't actually write files to it. Permissions error?)

Can't get a clean import file from Quicken out of my stupid PC to set up on my Mac. With no mouse, can't navigate my email on the old PC to find online banking access info to configure in Quicken on Mac. Have to start over from scratch.

May have made a late payment to Edmond's credit card due to communication confusion and the statement ending up on the bottom of a stack of papers.

No interviews scheduled yet. Security deposit from old place is now late. Gotta drive almost to Bakersfield & back over the next two days. Yes, I am the cranky bummed out Dinah.

Why does it seem I have more to get done now than I did when I was working fulltime?

Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb... 2002

Sometimes the first step to major life change is to list all the things you're afraid of, to run through the litany of negative inner voices.

I will say more about this soon, but I need to talk to a few key people before I blog things. Suffice to say, I've solved my biggest irritation and have some tools now to solve my biggest problem.

Mmm, and I love the universe again. My stereo just advanced to the next CD and I hear "Let me go wild..."

I don't like mondays... 2002

Not a good day so far.

My domain transfer away from those scumlords at Verisign has not gone through yet and I have to fax things.

Edmond's resupply package has not yet arrived in Idyllwild where he is due to arrive Wednesday. [update: he just called while I was writing this. He's in Idyllwild, now 3 days ahead of schedule, and the package isn't there, so he'll be doing a bit of shopping.]

My company has no work for me right now (unless I want to tranfer to the sales & marketing department, which I do not) and the other work I was hoping to line up (Rainbow Grocery & some office work for a lawyer who's previously employed a friend of mine) hasn't come through.

My Windows computer still won't start up except in safe mode and then won't recognize the mouse.

My Mac install of OS X didn't work.

I now have less than one month's rent in my savings account and the likelihood of being paid 20-25% of my full paycheck since I've been working part-time only.

And you know, I still stood there in the CompUSA with my monitor adapter in my hand staring at the new iMac thinking, hmm, well... Fortunately, I knew I was being a dork and walked away from it.

Time to update my resume.
Time to find a reliable job.

*sigh*
and after Edmond's call, time to proof the next package and get it in the mail early.

[Momentary panic: email which has arrived on my server since my PC problems was gone. Turns out I'd accidentally clicked "Check Other Mail" in my Yahoo Mail account and pulled it down there. I'm not sure why that worked given that they announced they had cancelled that POP mail service effective April 20th and it actually had stopped working April 1st. Maybe the nastygram I sent resulted in an unannounced free month? Weird. And prompting a panic, but quickly resolved and with a bonus of email from Edmond!]

I've got good news & I've got bad news... 2002

Good: my fears about mail getting pulled down where I can't read it were groundless because
Bad: my computer will not start up except in safe mode and then doesn't have an internet connection.

Bad: I am unable to do anything on my computer because of all these problems but
Good: I have other stuff I need to get done today anyhow and the fewer distractions the better since
Bad: some of the things I have to do are icky boring sales calls.

Bad: I can't get to my normal email but
Good: Edmond's computer is now working fine (and not having that video display issue it had with the stupid switch box) so I can use it to reach the web and telnet to my server to read mail in Pine (hooray for old unix experience!)

Bad: I may be coming down with a cold because
Good: I got to kiss a cute boy who
Bad: is currently sick with a cold but
Good: still makes me feel all nice & squishy inside when he calls me on the phone, even if he does snuffle a little.

More Ups & Downs 2002

Well, I must say that kvetching yesterday here in my blog, plus some good tunes on the stereo and a relaxing game of Bejeweled, did help bring my mood up a bit. Then I had a wonderful evening of good food (Lucky Creation, thanks Mike) and a fun show (Stomp!) with people I really like (Jinx, Paul & Patrick) and woke up happy. After my walk, I got home in such a good mood I felt like I could get things done and relax at the same time.

So I decided to quickly switch over from the A/B switch I had been using to the 4 machine switch which was intended to let me use the same monitor, keyboard & mouse for my PC, Edmond's PC and my "new" Mac (once I get the right cables).

Here my troubles began.

Now, an hour or more later, I'm drying my tears of frustration. For a while neither PC was working. Now at least Edmond's seems able to get its signal through to the monitor. Unfortunately, my PC stopped recognizing the mouse, regardless of whether I was using the switch box or not. In trying to fix that I somehow screwed things up royally. It will now not start because it wants lmouse.vxd and lmouse.drv and insists I should reinstall Windows 98. Guess what disks I don't have here?

I am so sick of PCs. I want an operating system that doesn't go off like a goddamn dairy product. I'm switching back to Mac.

***

In other news, my company doesn't have enough projects for me right now (we've changed our emphasis away from services and I'm a services kinda grrrl), so if you have need of a project manager, office manager, process modeler, or otherwise organized, communicative, detail-oriented person, drop me an email at this domain won't you? I'd update my resume and post it, but it's on the unhappy PC.

***

Can I just go back to when I opened my eyes this morning and live there for a while? Happy mood and nothing but good going on...

*sigh*

Wake-up Call 2002

I'm guessing that on the last day of the month, at noon, they test the air raid sirens in San Francisco. That's what I'm guessing.

***

If you were thinking that once you hit your mid-thirties you understand yourself and the world and you won't have days where you don't get out of bed until 11am because you were just laying there feeling glum, maybe you better cut yourself a bit of slack because you will.

***

I need to get a part-time job to keep me busy.

***

I don't like sales & marketing work.

***

That soup I made last night didn't turn out so hot. How do you keep vegetarian stuff from being so dull it tastes like porridge?

***

Too much sleep can be almost as exhausting as too little; particularly when punctured by two calls from Florida waking you up. (Why would Edmond's grandmother's estate lawyer think it was appropriate to call people at 7:15 in the morning? And why do I have to be the wrong number when I've gotten nicely back to sleep?)

***

If I do all my bitching in my blog, will it get the grouchies out of my head and let me get on with my day? And will my readers be amused or irked by my being so crotchety?

An Odd Raw Day 2002

Raw in the cookie dough, not the meat sense.

Today had some of the physical and mental symptoms of depression, but, fortunately, without the emotional ones. I overslept and dozed and dreamed. A slow late start. Then a burst of coherence & focus on work stuff. Then vagueness, wandering about the house, getting some stuff done, but randomly. Feeling no pulls to achieve specific things. Much reading of Patrick's wonderful stories contributing to the waking dream day.

I can't remember if I left the house today. It was that sort of day. "Huh? What happened? Where'd it go?"

I did finish a couple art projects for Nervous Industries Land Mail Art Objects. I did confirm & correct the contents of Edmond's package #3. I did do a load of laundry in the bathtub when I took my shower. Ah, and I called Grandma Susie.

Ah, that's why I thought I went somewhere; I just remembered I had a long chat with Jay, so I guess my mind went partway to Budapest to visit with him.

Can't seem to think clearly. I keep wanting to evaluate what I need to take with me tomorrow. I could visit the storage unit and try to stash some stuff and grab the other printer, but to be honest, none of it must be done that soon. It could wait until next week. I have all I need for the next few packages to Edmond and while my place is crowded with stuff, it's not unpleasantly so.

I suppose I'll just go to the post office and then to work tomorrow, leave the car there, and get a ride home by carpooling with Kristin to the Central Booking Read & Feed author reading at Clean Well-Lighted Place for Books, mere blocks from my home.

Uh. Yes. I guess that's all I need to do.

Edmond, I totally understand now what you were talking about the other day about being unable to think clearly. Jeez, this is tough. If my brainpower went over to you so you could get a focused day in before your trip, that's great. I don't begrudge the loan.

Wish I had some pudding. Mmm, pudding.

Happy Realism 2002

As I was pricing things for the flea market late last night, having stayed up too late as I had the night before, I did the math. $30 for the space, get up at 6am, hassle with trying to get a space, probably not be able to keep car in space, no one to watch stuff while I move car so probably have to only sell what I can carry in one load...

ick.

To heck with the flea market!

Expect a little bit of vending of larger stuff here at MetaGrrrl (or maybe over in the Inkspot section) for a while. I'll probably do a one-load-I-can-carry trip to a cheap flea market sometime and sell on Craig's List too. (Ebay is too much of a pain what with the mailing and all).

About the time I was reaching this decision, I was also chatting with Mena and found out the gathering I thought I was going to be at right about now got cancelled. The email about it must have gotten lost in the piles of spam I've been getting lately. *sigh* Sorry not to see the girls, but glad today's busybusybusy nature cleared up.

Now I've slept a proper amount, had a good hot breakfast and have time for a cup of tea before strolling over to the Farmers' Market. Ahhhh.... Sunday.

Finding my feet 2002

Finally, after what feels like months of mental and physical chaos, I woke up this morning with things going right and nothing to dread or worry about. Sure, there's stuff to do - my place is still rather a mess and I need to do repairs and cleaning at the Mountain View house - but I finally feel like I've got my feet under me again. What a relief!

Well, that did help 2001

Not only did I ride the bike, I also read Writing Down The Bones which I highly recommend to kickstart your brain and still the negative voices.

I was thinking that a big part of my frustration these days is that I'm not getting to fully commit myself to my true art. I'm a lover. I don't mean that just in the sexual sense; I mean my strongest creative passion is to give love and to get it in return. Now I can satisfy some of that just by loving the world and my friends and my family. That's good. But I long for more, for a true partner in this art. Aching for that drags me down, but I don't want to give up the goal of finding a lover with whom I share emotional connection, intellectual excitement, sexual compatibility, interests and dreams. It's not something you can just make happen. It's rare to find a simultaneous connection on a few of these, let alone all. So what's my path to stop wanting so much? My way to patience? I haven't found it yet, but it seems like it must be around here somewhere...

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back 2001

Made more progress on the new version of the site, but I didn't sleep well (unsettling, pointless dreams) and am feeling rather gloomy, so I'm going to go play games instead of working on this. First, though, I'm going to try riding my exercise bike for half an hour and see if that clears my mood a bit.

... 2001

Too much suckiness.

30 2001

You know, it's time to throw out this archaic notion of age 30 as old or beginning middle age or whatever it is that gets people in such a tizzy. Average American lifespans are in the 70's if not 80's and people are enjoying more of that time than ever, so 30 has little significance other than marking the point by which you've probably figured out a lot of what you like AND how to get it. So hooray for that and quit fussing over growing older. It's good, baby, it's all good.

Besides, I mean, come on, THIS is a 30 year old:

I rest my case.

Got a little work done 2001

Got a little work done on the site (updates to the Pals page) and then played The Sims. After a while I realized that I needed to live up to the meta in my handle and do this right:

Observed: Dinah is stressed. She keeps making that tension gesture guarding her head.
Stimuli: Have her play games and eat popcorn.
Result: Fun level increasing, Hunger decreasing, but still stressed.

Observed: Dinah keeps having her Sims go take hot baths and read books.
Stimuli: Put Dinah in hot bath with Marion Zimmer Bradley's The Mists of Avalon which she has never read despite many recommendations. Scent bathwater with violet mineral salts and light a small candle. Also provide a banana and a glass of cool water.
Result: Fun increasing, Comfort increasing, Room increasing (indicating satisfaction with environment), Hunger decreasing. Excellent!

See? Video games are educational.

Ode to sleep 2000

(Last night's post was at 12:45am, not a quarter to ten. I don't reel about in a scratchy-eyed worry before 10pm usually)

Didn't play Diablo last night. Instead I shopped for books with the "Flooz" money which Fil gave me for Christmas. I got two books about geisha (Memoirs of a Geisha and Geisha) and a Nick Drake CD, Bryter Layter. Thanks, Fil! Exactly what I wanted!

I went to bed and got to sleep and, since momma don't raise no fools, slept in late. Woke at one point in the middle of a work-related dream, realized I wasn't destressed yet, and slept in later. Brighter later.

Work is not making me as stressful these days. 1999

I've taken to using the Web to dispel tension. When I find my head in a non-productive loop, I take a couple minutes and visit favorite weblogs (PyrAlert, Evhead, Megnut, Onfocus, Peterme, Justin!) or check email. There is something really satisfying about clearing out the piles of stuff in your emailbox to give you a sensation of lightening your load. Illusory perhaps, but it is as if each of those undeleted messages is a string going to your head and it feels so delightful to cut some of them. I find my blog is a good way to deal with things that I don't yet want to delete; by sharing the link, mentioning the thing I want to read but haven't yet, or voicing an idea, I can transfer that pending item into a place where I can find it again if I need to and then delete the mail. Ahhhh. So relaxing.

Tell me something important. Really important. 1999

For example, my life must include:

• laughing
• cuddling
• stupid time
  (e.g. playing computer games)
• good food
  (fat free food is fine, just make it good)
• self-gratifying projects.

Ok, now forget telling me what's important; tell yourself.

How are you fitting your important things into the next 24 hours?

A good life 1999

Well, I've called my biological mother (answering machine), my stepmother (no answer), my ex-partner's mother (answering machine) and my ex-mother-in-law (answering machine). Very thorough, if ineffective. I'll email 'em.

Spent much of the day taking digital pictures of various old stuff - little porcelain animals, interesting knick knacks, toys, 20-40 year old Mad magazines, etc. - from various closets in my family's former and soon to be former homes. I'll be going hogwild on eBay this week and hope to rake in a bundle of cash to ease the hassle of my grandparents' move from the central valley to the north coast.

The picture-taking was courtesy of Jeff Anderson's loan of a digital camera. Thanks, Jeff! Now that I think of it, I may spend the first chunk of cash from all these sales on getting a digital camera of my own. It sure would come in handy as these are by far not the last things which we need to sell on eBay.

I've had a very good weekend. Edmond & I read and watched tv Friday night after work. He tapes various shows during the week so we saw Voyager (eh, ok) and a really great episode of Deep Space Nine - there are some excellent performers on that show and the characters and scripting are wonderful. Also caught a bit of Home Movies (or something like that), another animated show a bit in the style of Dr. Katz on Comedy Central - very peculiar, but quite funny. At some point this weekend we also saw Family Guy (or That Family Guy or something similar) which didn't really grab me at all and King of the Hill which does for trailer trash what Garrison Keillior did for Lutherans. Oh and I think it was Friday night that we had dinner out on Edmond's balcony or patio or whatever you want to call it. ("I used to have a deck, then I started going out with her and now I have a veranda.") We used some of the fresh herbs I planted in the pasta sauce. It was very nice out there, but still too chilly. We're both looking forward to eating out there more once the weather gets hot.

I could find links for all the above, but my computer is being very cranky. Netscape has been a bit flaky ever since I installed the "new version" when I got my DSL line and ISP service through PacBell. As near as I can tell the only thing special about it is that the logo in the corner changed from the Netscape logo to the PacBell logo. Not worth a huge download even at DSL speeds. (Actually, considering the lousy throughput I'm getting tonight, I think PacBell DSL wasn't worth it).

Yesterday Edmond and I were very relaxed yet also strangely productive. After a nice breakfast, we cleaned our respective apartments. He actually mopped & dusted & vacuumed. I just picked up and put things away and took out trash & recycling. Edmond is a tidier person than I. Then we went erranding. We sold books at Bookbuyers, dropped off donations at Goodwill, bought a summer-weight comforter, dropped off the winter-weight comforter at the drycleaner's, bought groceries & stamps, ate a late lunch in the park and dropped off the unsold books with the Friends of the Library. Wow. And then we went around for the rest of the evening feeling great because we'd gotten so much off our to-do lists. A wonderful feeling.

Today was very different from last Sunday, instead of feeling a step behind, we both felt relaxed and happy. After a lazy morning, Edmond went off to the gym and thence to work where he planned to putter around with some code, just a little stock ticker application he's doing for fun. I took pictures of stuff. I took a lot of pictures of stuff. Tomorrow night I'll have to get them ready for eBay posting. I'll probably be writing eBay item descriptions all week! I've also made more progress wading through the records from my parents' collection. I have quite a lot I don't want to keep, so I'll probably try to sell them at Rasputin's. I find they have the best used CDs, so I'll just go get trade credit and turn these into some music I do want. Oh and I made some soup stock.

And I updated my web journal.

Not a bad weekend at all.

9:15pm
Shaking out the mailbag for some loose links I've meant to mention.

David Weinberger has a great piece in his Journal of the Hyperlinked Organization (JOHO) called "THE LONGING: The Web and the Return of Voice".

Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency is really quite difficult to describe, but the writing is excellent.

Well, I'm getting Out of Memory errors, so I'm going to call it a night. That's the problem with running Windows, you have to reinstall the whole damn operating system every 6 months or things start acting goofy. Time to build a Linux machine.

Happy Home 1999

1:00pm
Well, I've changed things around. I was looking at Peter's site, which I really like a lot, and he appears to have realized that he spends way more time on his little "What I'm browsing" than on his essays and wisely swapped the two. This gives him much more space for his daily ramblings, and we should be glad because he finds the darnedest stuff...

I've also, after reading Ceej and Mary Anne's journals [link dead as of August 2003, but I found where she moved it], decided that the whole idea of the topmost thing on the page being my latest thought (so that within a day's entries you're reading backwards through my day) was a stupid idea and have begun putting in time stamps instead. I'm going to go back in my archive and fix the old ones. [Except I never did, so far as I could tell when importing these into TypePad in 2003/2004] Right after I rewrite the links on the right to fit a bit better in that narrow territory. I'm cheating for the moment and making that column 200 pixels wide instead of the usual 126.

1:17pm
While adding the link to Ceej's page, I took time to catch up in her journal. It's my favorite. Ceej has a brain and she's a much bigger geek than me. I respect that.

2:10pm
Thrown into severe laughing fits by this fine reference work. Thanks, Edmond.

2:40pm
Lest you think I live only through the web, as all my griping when I get disconnected might make you think, I will assure you all that I have a lovely little apartment and projects that do not involve computing. My latest two endeavors are bringing me a lot of pleasure.

I have a little balcony on my apartment and it looks out into a boring driveway area and at the drab apartment building next door. It also gets full sun until mid-afternoon which makes my place a bit of a furnace in summertime. To alleviate both these problems, I have purchased 3 planter boxes which go along the railing. I have run twine from the railing edge to hooks in the partially over-hanging roof so that the balcony has a sloping roof of twine strands about a foot or two apart. In these new planters, in the rich dark soil which smells so good, I planted seeds for sweet peas (noted for bright, sweet-smelling flowers) and sugar snap peas (fat delicious peas with edible pods). These will climb up the railing and twine and form a translucent wall/ceiling of green leaves and flowers. Soon I'll have a whole other room in my apartment, one with fresh air and dappled sunlight. There are 8 sweet pea sprouts today. :)

My wonderful mum gave me her record collection. I'm going through it deciding what I want to keep. It's great to hear this music I grew up with and find lost treasures. Currently playing: Vince Guaraldi and Bola Sete Live at El Matador. Great light jazz from 1966.

So, though I've been online since I got up this morning, answering email, providing feedback on my eBay buyers, working on this page, surfing, I'm also getting up every few minutes to look at the rain falling on the planters, to turn over the record (that's a change from my 5-CD player!) and to look around my little place which I love so much. Someday I'll get some pictures up of my little garden. Probably the next time I can coax Lisa into coming over with her digital camera (hint hint).

10:22pm
Didn't get anything done on Inkspot. Didn't pay bills. Didn't do laundry. But I did dishes and had Fred & Lisa over for dinner (mmm, tacos!) and we listened to records. And I also managed to give 2 friends feedback on their web projects. So I'm pretty satisfied with my day.

The Slow But Successful Climb Out of Debt 1999

I love Quicken. It is so wonderful. I've been using it for 8 or 9 years now and I just adore it. [Unfortunately, between 1999 and 2003 Intuit managed to fuck it up. It's a buggy dog on the Mac now. How quickly they forget from whence they came!] It performed a very useful function today, for example, by relieving my depression. I was very upset and unhappy yesterday when an inexplicable delay caused my paycheck to deposit late and thereby bounce my rent check. *sigh* It's good now of course, but such things do not enhance the landlord/tenant relationship. Well, one of the chores I did this afternoon was to make sure I had all my receipts etc entered and then I noticed that my net worth (displayed at the bottom of the accounts list) had just slid under negative $34K. Scary, I know, but this is a big cause for celebration. (Half of it is student loan, so it's not *that* bad). Well, I ran a little report and found that since moving into my apartment last June, my net worth has actually gone up $2200, so despite setbacks and my still massive debt load, I am making progress. This restores my faith considerably. [And I'm so glad I wrote this post long ago because I was just celebrating my net worth having just dropped under negative $4K. It seemed like a nice forward step in a long journey, but it sure is heartening to realize I managed to pay off $30K in debt in 4 and a half years.]

Hooray! It's Friday and my week of 6am alarms is over! Yay! And I even left work early today (worked extra hours last week...) so not only is it 5:15 and officially the weekend, I've been home for hours and gotten tons done!

Single life 1999

Sheer laziness and the annoying knowledge that I won't be kissing anyone tonight led me to eat sardines for dinner.

Somehow the waves of loneliness which strike most people (but probably particularly those who live alone) seem always to crash over me on my drive home. Tired and desolate feeling tonight. The dishes are too nasty to leave for tomorrow, so I'll do them, but I mostly just want to pull the covers over my head and retreat to the dreamlands.

The Onion is particularly good today. Great lead article and infographic and Onion's AV Club has a lovely interview with Neil Gaiman.

You know this tune... 1998

Very tired. Came to a sad realization about a relationship I wish could work. Wrote a difficult letter. Worked 9 hours. Didn't solve the problems we hoped to solve. Had a stressful commute home. Started laundry. Washed some of the dishes. Cried. Moved clothes to dryer. Wrapped the rest of the presents that go with me tomorrow. Tried to start a ICQ conversation with an acquaintance I've been trying to make friends with. Received no reply. Packed. Picked out music to drive to. Felt sorry for myself. Wrote about it on my website.

Accepting the madness 1979

I feel better today. I'm crazy, so it doesn't matter if I die.

[boy o' the moment] is still a fox.

Quotes(?) & fears 1979

You're smart when you only believe half of what you read and you're brilliant if you know which half!

D.O.A. [I think that was a song I recorded off the Dr. Demento show] has made me fill [sic] like I'm going to die. I am scared. I need someone.