I've got good news & I've got bad news... 2002

Good: my fears about mail getting pulled down where I can't read it were groundless because
Bad: my computer will not start up except in safe mode and then doesn't have an internet connection.

Bad: I am unable to do anything on my computer because of all these problems but
Good: I have other stuff I need to get done today anyhow and the fewer distractions the better since
Bad: some of the things I have to do are icky boring sales calls.

Bad: I can't get to my normal email but
Good: Edmond's computer is now working fine (and not having that video display issue it had with the stupid switch box) so I can use it to reach the web and telnet to my server to read mail in Pine (hooray for old unix experience!)

Bad: I may be coming down with a cold because
Good: I got to kiss a cute boy who
Bad: is currently sick with a cold but
Good: still makes me feel all nice & squishy inside when he calls me on the phone, even if he does snuffle a little.

More Ups & Downs 2002

Well, I must say that kvetching yesterday here in my blog, plus some good tunes on the stereo and a relaxing game of Bejeweled, did help bring my mood up a bit. Then I had a wonderful evening of good food (Lucky Creation, thanks Mike) and a fun show (Stomp!) with people I really like (Jinx, Paul & Patrick) and woke up happy. After my walk, I got home in such a good mood I felt like I could get things done and relax at the same time.

So I decided to quickly switch over from the A/B switch I had been using to the 4 machine switch which was intended to let me use the same monitor, keyboard & mouse for my PC, Edmond's PC and my "new" Mac (once I get the right cables).

Here my troubles began.

Now, an hour or more later, I'm drying my tears of frustration. For a while neither PC was working. Now at least Edmond's seems able to get its signal through to the monitor. Unfortunately, my PC stopped recognizing the mouse, regardless of whether I was using the switch box or not. In trying to fix that I somehow screwed things up royally. It will now not start because it wants lmouse.vxd and lmouse.drv and insists I should reinstall Windows 98. Guess what disks I don't have here?

I am so sick of PCs. I want an operating system that doesn't go off like a goddamn dairy product. I'm switching back to Mac.

***

In other news, my company doesn't have enough projects for me right now (we've changed our emphasis away from services and I'm a services kinda grrrl), so if you have need of a project manager, office manager, process modeler, or otherwise organized, communicative, detail-oriented person, drop me an email at this domain won't you? I'd update my resume and post it, but it's on the unhappy PC.

***

Can I just go back to when I opened my eyes this morning and live there for a while? Happy mood and nothing but good going on...

*sigh*

Wake-up Call 2002

I'm guessing that on the last day of the month, at noon, they test the air raid sirens in San Francisco. That's what I'm guessing.

***

If you were thinking that once you hit your mid-thirties you understand yourself and the world and you won't have days where you don't get out of bed until 11am because you were just laying there feeling glum, maybe you better cut yourself a bit of slack because you will.

***

I need to get a part-time job to keep me busy.

***

I don't like sales & marketing work.

***

That soup I made last night didn't turn out so hot. How do you keep vegetarian stuff from being so dull it tastes like porridge?

***

Too much sleep can be almost as exhausting as too little; particularly when punctured by two calls from Florida waking you up. (Why would Edmond's grandmother's estate lawyer think it was appropriate to call people at 7:15 in the morning? And why do I have to be the wrong number when I've gotten nicely back to sleep?)

***

If I do all my bitching in my blog, will it get the grouchies out of my head and let me get on with my day? And will my readers be amused or irked by my being so crotchety?

An Odd Raw Day 2002

Raw in the cookie dough, not the meat sense.

Today had some of the physical and mental symptoms of depression, but, fortunately, without the emotional ones. I overslept and dozed and dreamed. A slow late start. Then a burst of coherence & focus on work stuff. Then vagueness, wandering about the house, getting some stuff done, but randomly. Feeling no pulls to achieve specific things. Much reading of Patrick's wonderful stories contributing to the waking dream day.

I can't remember if I left the house today. It was that sort of day. "Huh? What happened? Where'd it go?"

I did finish a couple art projects for Nervous Industries Land Mail Art Objects. I did confirm & correct the contents of Edmond's package #3. I did do a load of laundry in the bathtub when I took my shower. Ah, and I called Grandma Susie.

Ah, that's why I thought I went somewhere; I just remembered I had a long chat with Jay, so I guess my mind went partway to Budapest to visit with him.

Can't seem to think clearly. I keep wanting to evaluate what I need to take with me tomorrow. I could visit the storage unit and try to stash some stuff and grab the other printer, but to be honest, none of it must be done that soon. It could wait until next week. I have all I need for the next few packages to Edmond and while my place is crowded with stuff, it's not unpleasantly so.

I suppose I'll just go to the post office and then to work tomorrow, leave the car there, and get a ride home by carpooling with Kristin to the Central Booking Read & Feed author reading at Clean Well-Lighted Place for Books, mere blocks from my home.

Uh. Yes. I guess that's all I need to do.

Edmond, I totally understand now what you were talking about the other day about being unable to think clearly. Jeez, this is tough. If my brainpower went over to you so you could get a focused day in before your trip, that's great. I don't begrudge the loan.

Wish I had some pudding. Mmm, pudding.

Happy Realism 2002

As I was pricing things for the flea market late last night, having stayed up too late as I had the night before, I did the math. $30 for the space, get up at 6am, hassle with trying to get a space, probably not be able to keep car in space, no one to watch stuff while I move car so probably have to only sell what I can carry in one load...

ick.

To heck with the flea market!

Expect a little bit of vending of larger stuff here at MetaGrrrl (or maybe over in the Inkspot section) for a while. I'll probably do a one-load-I-can-carry trip to a cheap flea market sometime and sell on Craig's List too. (Ebay is too much of a pain what with the mailing and all).

About the time I was reaching this decision, I was also chatting with Mena and found out the gathering I thought I was going to be at right about now got cancelled. The email about it must have gotten lost in the piles of spam I've been getting lately. *sigh* Sorry not to see the girls, but glad today's busybusybusy nature cleared up.

Now I've slept a proper amount, had a good hot breakfast and have time for a cup of tea before strolling over to the Farmers' Market. Ahhhh.... Sunday.

Finding my feet 2002

Finally, after what feels like months of mental and physical chaos, I woke up this morning with things going right and nothing to dread or worry about. Sure, there's stuff to do - my place is still rather a mess and I need to do repairs and cleaning at the Mountain View house - but I finally feel like I've got my feet under me again. What a relief!

Well, that did help 2001

Not only did I ride the bike, I also read Writing Down The Bones which I highly recommend to kickstart your brain and still the negative voices.

I was thinking that a big part of my frustration these days is that I'm not getting to fully commit myself to my true art. I'm a lover. I don't mean that just in the sexual sense; I mean my strongest creative passion is to give love and to get it in return. Now I can satisfy some of that just by loving the world and my friends and my family. That's good. But I long for more, for a true partner in this art. Aching for that drags me down, but I don't want to give up the goal of finding a lover with whom I share emotional connection, intellectual excitement, sexual compatibility, interests and dreams. It's not something you can just make happen. It's rare to find a simultaneous connection on a few of these, let alone all. So what's my path to stop wanting so much? My way to patience? I haven't found it yet, but it seems like it must be around here somewhere...

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back 2001

Made more progress on the new version of the site, but I didn't sleep well (unsettling, pointless dreams) and am feeling rather gloomy, so I'm going to go play games instead of working on this. First, though, I'm going to try riding my exercise bike for half an hour and see if that clears my mood a bit.

... 2001

Too much suckiness.

30 2001

You know, it's time to throw out this archaic notion of age 30 as old or beginning middle age or whatever it is that gets people in such a tizzy. Average American lifespans are in the 70's if not 80's and people are enjoying more of that time than ever, so 30 has little significance other than marking the point by which you've probably figured out a lot of what you like AND how to get it. So hooray for that and quit fussing over growing older. It's good, baby, it's all good.

Besides, I mean, come on, THIS is a 30 year old:

I rest my case.

Got a little work done 2001

Got a little work done on the site (updates to the Pals page) and then played The Sims. After a while I realized that I needed to live up to the meta in my handle and do this right:

Observed: Dinah is stressed. She keeps making that tension gesture guarding her head.
Stimuli: Have her play games and eat popcorn.
Result: Fun level increasing, Hunger decreasing, but still stressed.

Observed: Dinah keeps having her Sims go take hot baths and read books.
Stimuli: Put Dinah in hot bath with Marion Zimmer Bradley's The Mists of Avalon which she has never read despite many recommendations. Scent bathwater with violet mineral salts and light a small candle. Also provide a banana and a glass of cool water.
Result: Fun increasing, Comfort increasing, Room increasing (indicating satisfaction with environment), Hunger decreasing. Excellent!

See? Video games are educational.

Ode to sleep 2000

(Last night's post was at 12:45am, not a quarter to ten. I don't reel about in a scratchy-eyed worry before 10pm usually)

Didn't play Diablo last night. Instead I shopped for books with the "Flooz" money which Fil gave me for Christmas. I got two books about geisha (Memoirs of a Geisha and Geisha) and a Nick Drake CD, Bryter Layter. Thanks, Fil! Exactly what I wanted!

I went to bed and got to sleep and, since momma don't raise no fools, slept in late. Woke at one point in the middle of a work-related dream, realized I wasn't destressed yet, and slept in later. Brighter later.

Work is not making me as stressful these days. 1999

I've taken to using the Web to dispel tension. When I find my head in a non-productive loop, I take a couple minutes and visit favorite weblogs (PyrAlert, Evhead, Megnut, Onfocus, Peterme, Justin!) or check email. There is something really satisfying about clearing out the piles of stuff in your emailbox to give you a sensation of lightening your load. Illusory perhaps, but it is as if each of those undeleted messages is a string going to your head and it feels so delightful to cut some of them. I find my blog is a good way to deal with things that I don't yet want to delete; by sharing the link, mentioning the thing I want to read but haven't yet, or voicing an idea, I can transfer that pending item into a place where I can find it again if I need to and then delete the mail. Ahhhh. So relaxing.

Tell me something important. Really important. 1999

For example, my life must include:

• laughing
• cuddling
• stupid time
  (e.g. playing computer games)
• good food
  (fat free food is fine, just make it good)
• self-gratifying projects.

Ok, now forget telling me what's important; tell yourself.

How are you fitting your important things into the next 24 hours?

A good life 1999

Well, I've called my biological mother (answering machine), my stepmother (no answer), my ex-partner's mother (answering machine) and my ex-mother-in-law (answering machine). Very thorough, if ineffective. I'll email 'em.

Spent much of the day taking digital pictures of various old stuff - little porcelain animals, interesting knick knacks, toys, 20-40 year old Mad magazines, etc. - from various closets in my family's former and soon to be former homes. I'll be going hogwild on eBay this week and hope to rake in a bundle of cash to ease the hassle of my grandparents' move from the central valley to the north coast.

The picture-taking was courtesy of Jeff Anderson's loan of a digital camera. Thanks, Jeff! Now that I think of it, I may spend the first chunk of cash from all these sales on getting a digital camera of my own. It sure would come in handy as these are by far not the last things which we need to sell on eBay.

I've had a very good weekend. Edmond & I read and watched tv Friday night after work. He tapes various shows during the week so we saw Voyager (eh, ok) and a really great episode of Deep Space Nine - there are some excellent performers on that show and the characters and scripting are wonderful. Also caught a bit of Home Movies (or something like that), another animated show a bit in the style of Dr. Katz on Comedy Central - very peculiar, but quite funny. At some point this weekend we also saw Family Guy (or That Family Guy or something similar) which didn't really grab me at all and King of the Hill which does for trailer trash what Garrison Keillior did for Lutherans. Oh and I think it was Friday night that we had dinner out on Edmond's balcony or patio or whatever you want to call it. ("I used to have a deck, then I started going out with her and now I have a veranda.") We used some of the fresh herbs I planted in the pasta sauce. It was very nice out there, but still too chilly. We're both looking forward to eating out there more once the weather gets hot.

I could find links for all the above, but my computer is being very cranky. Netscape has been a bit flaky ever since I installed the "new version" when I got my DSL line and ISP service through PacBell. As near as I can tell the only thing special about it is that the logo in the corner changed from the Netscape logo to the PacBell logo. Not worth a huge download even at DSL speeds. (Actually, considering the lousy throughput I'm getting tonight, I think PacBell DSL wasn't worth it).

Yesterday Edmond and I were very relaxed yet also strangely productive. After a nice breakfast, we cleaned our respective apartments. He actually mopped & dusted & vacuumed. I just picked up and put things away and took out trash & recycling. Edmond is a tidier person than I. Then we went erranding. We sold books at Bookbuyers, dropped off donations at Goodwill, bought a summer-weight comforter, dropped off the winter-weight comforter at the drycleaner's, bought groceries & stamps, ate a late lunch in the park and dropped off the unsold books with the Friends of the Library. Wow. And then we went around for the rest of the evening feeling great because we'd gotten so much off our to-do lists. A wonderful feeling.

Today was very different from last Sunday, instead of feeling a step behind, we both felt relaxed and happy. After a lazy morning, Edmond went off to the gym and thence to work where he planned to putter around with some code, just a little stock ticker application he's doing for fun. I took pictures of stuff. I took a lot of pictures of stuff. Tomorrow night I'll have to get them ready for eBay posting. I'll probably be writing eBay item descriptions all week! I've also made more progress wading through the records from my parents' collection. I have quite a lot I don't want to keep, so I'll probably try to sell them at Rasputin's. I find they have the best used CDs, so I'll just go get trade credit and turn these into some music I do want. Oh and I made some soup stock.

And I updated my web journal.

Not a bad weekend at all.

9:15pm
Shaking out the mailbag for some loose links I've meant to mention.

David Weinberger has a great piece in his Journal of the Hyperlinked Organization (JOHO) called "THE LONGING: The Web and the Return of Voice".

Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency is really quite difficult to describe, but the writing is excellent.

Well, I'm getting Out of Memory errors, so I'm going to call it a night. That's the problem with running Windows, you have to reinstall the whole damn operating system every 6 months or things start acting goofy. Time to build a Linux machine.

Happy Home 1999

1:00pm
Well, I've changed things around. I was looking at Peter's site, which I really like a lot, and he appears to have realized that he spends way more time on his little "What I'm browsing" than on his essays and wisely swapped the two. This gives him much more space for his daily ramblings, and we should be glad because he finds the darnedest stuff...

I've also, after reading Ceej and Mary Anne's journals [link dead as of August 2003, but I found where she moved it], decided that the whole idea of the topmost thing on the page being my latest thought (so that within a day's entries you're reading backwards through my day) was a stupid idea and have begun putting in time stamps instead. I'm going to go back in my archive and fix the old ones. [Except I never did, so far as I could tell when importing these into TypePad in 2003/2004] Right after I rewrite the links on the right to fit a bit better in that narrow territory. I'm cheating for the moment and making that column 200 pixels wide instead of the usual 126.

1:17pm
While adding the link to Ceej's page, I took time to catch up in her journal. It's my favorite. Ceej has a brain and she's a much bigger geek than me. I respect that.

2:10pm
Thrown into severe laughing fits by this fine reference work. Thanks, Edmond.

2:40pm
Lest you think I live only through the web, as all my griping when I get disconnected might make you think, I will assure you all that I have a lovely little apartment and projects that do not involve computing. My latest two endeavors are bringing me a lot of pleasure.

I have a little balcony on my apartment and it looks out into a boring driveway area and at the drab apartment building next door. It also gets full sun until mid-afternoon which makes my place a bit of a furnace in summertime. To alleviate both these problems, I have purchased 3 planter boxes which go along the railing. I have run twine from the railing edge to hooks in the partially over-hanging roof so that the balcony has a sloping roof of twine strands about a foot or two apart. In these new planters, in the rich dark soil which smells so good, I planted seeds for sweet peas (noted for bright, sweet-smelling flowers) and sugar snap peas (fat delicious peas with edible pods). These will climb up the railing and twine and form a translucent wall/ceiling of green leaves and flowers. Soon I'll have a whole other room in my apartment, one with fresh air and dappled sunlight. There are 8 sweet pea sprouts today. :)

My wonderful mum gave me her record collection. I'm going through it deciding what I want to keep. It's great to hear this music I grew up with and find lost treasures. Currently playing: Vince Guaraldi and Bola Sete Live at El Matador. Great light jazz from 1966.

So, though I've been online since I got up this morning, answering email, providing feedback on my eBay buyers, working on this page, surfing, I'm also getting up every few minutes to look at the rain falling on the planters, to turn over the record (that's a change from my 5-CD player!) and to look around my little place which I love so much. Someday I'll get some pictures up of my little garden. Probably the next time I can coax Lisa into coming over with her digital camera (hint hint).

10:22pm
Didn't get anything done on Inkspot. Didn't pay bills. Didn't do laundry. But I did dishes and had Fred & Lisa over for dinner (mmm, tacos!) and we listened to records. And I also managed to give 2 friends feedback on their web projects. So I'm pretty satisfied with my day.

The Slow But Successful Climb Out of Debt 1999

I love Quicken. It is so wonderful. I've been using it for 8 or 9 years now and I just adore it. [Unfortunately, between 1999 and 2003 Intuit managed to fuck it up. It's a buggy dog on the Mac now. How quickly they forget from whence they came!] It performed a very useful function today, for example, by relieving my depression. I was very upset and unhappy yesterday when an inexplicable delay caused my paycheck to deposit late and thereby bounce my rent check. *sigh* It's good now of course, but such things do not enhance the landlord/tenant relationship. Well, one of the chores I did this afternoon was to make sure I had all my receipts etc entered and then I noticed that my net worth (displayed at the bottom of the accounts list) had just slid under negative $34K. Scary, I know, but this is a big cause for celebration. (Half of it is student loan, so it's not *that* bad). Well, I ran a little report and found that since moving into my apartment last June, my net worth has actually gone up $2200, so despite setbacks and my still massive debt load, I am making progress. This restores my faith considerably. [And I'm so glad I wrote this post long ago because I was just celebrating my net worth having just dropped under negative $4K. It seemed like a nice forward step in a long journey, but it sure is heartening to realize I managed to pay off $30K in debt in 4 and a half years.]

Hooray! It's Friday and my week of 6am alarms is over! Yay! And I even left work early today (worked extra hours last week...) so not only is it 5:15 and officially the weekend, I've been home for hours and gotten tons done!

Single life 1999

Sheer laziness and the annoying knowledge that I won't be kissing anyone tonight led me to eat sardines for dinner.

Somehow the waves of loneliness which strike most people (but probably particularly those who live alone) seem always to crash over me on my drive home. Tired and desolate feeling tonight. The dishes are too nasty to leave for tomorrow, so I'll do them, but I mostly just want to pull the covers over my head and retreat to the dreamlands.

The Onion is particularly good today. Great lead article and infographic and Onion's AV Club has a lovely interview with Neil Gaiman.

You know this tune... 1998

Very tired. Came to a sad realization about a relationship I wish could work. Wrote a difficult letter. Worked 9 hours. Didn't solve the problems we hoped to solve. Had a stressful commute home. Started laundry. Washed some of the dishes. Cried. Moved clothes to dryer. Wrapped the rest of the presents that go with me tomorrow. Tried to start a ICQ conversation with an acquaintance I've been trying to make friends with. Received no reply. Packed. Picked out music to drive to. Felt sorry for myself. Wrote about it on my website.

Physical Fear 1983

I don't remember exactly the last time I was physically afraid, but I do remember one particular incident that was very frightening. I was in a canoe accident. The canoe I was in the middle of wrapped itself around a log in the river. Fortunately, none of the 3 of us was trapped between the canoe and the log. We all held on to the canoe in the cold water. I was in the water up to my neck and the current was like something alive trying to drag me away from the canoe. I was terrified; all I could do was hang on to that canoe. My friends pulled me halfway out of the water, but, since I was wearing shorts and my legs were in the water, I was still losing body heat. We caught a garbage bag we had been using in the canoe and I used it to insulate my legs. We sat on that log for an hour while the other members of our group figured out how to rescue us. We dealt with our fear by making jokes and swearing at just about everything within range, especially the canoe. The canoe was bent into a U- shape around the log so we have since referred to the disaster as "the Taco incident".

    I am often afraid in a relationship that it is not going to work out. I am afraid that for some reason we will break up. This fear I can usually overcome because I know I will survive. The fear of death is much, much worse.

[angst again] 1982

I'm depressed today. I want to go out with somebody; but I'm worried. If I ask them will they shy off. I don't know what to do.

Greg: It might change a good friendship into something bad.

John: Might get scared off.

Nick: "    +

[older guy]: Might want one thing only.

[handwriting gets VERY bad here on:]
My glasses cost too much money and they don't even fit. I've probably ruined them already!

Solving Problems + complaints 1982

1. I'll talk to him about what his needs are and see if we can find a way to meet both of our needs.

2. I can stay the whole year, relax and have fun. [Instead of trying to finish high school early]

3. I can get my easy homework done at school leaving time at home for anatomy.

4. My paper for American Problems is now due Monday.

5. I can go to bed earlier or just live with being tired.

6. I will see him this weekend.

7. I don't need to.

8. I don't have to decide until next month.

9. I can pick fleas in my spare time.

10. I can get it done at school.

11. I can call him.

12. I can wait until Saturday.

13. I don't "have to" do anything.

14. I can relax, slow down and enjoy life more.

15. I can stop buying candy.

16. I can change that.

17. I can pay it.

18. He doesn't have to spend a lot of money on me, I just need some of his attention.

19. My hair is still pretty.

20. I can wait 'til I get home.

21. I still have to ask my parents and talk to [current boyfriend] about it.

Problems or complaints 1982

1. [Current boyfriend] doesn't call or write enough.

2. I need a 1/2 a unit of U.S. History. [Oh, just realized that I must at this point be in public school not the private school writing classes I've been picturing as I transcribe this old spiral notebook.]

3. Anatomy isn't easy.

4. My paper for American Problems is due friday.

5. I'm tired.

6. I miss [current boyfriend].

7. I don't know what I want to do with my life.

8. I don't know whether or not to stay the whole year here at Alhambra or not.

9. Our dogs have fleas.

10. I have homework.

11. I need to talk to [current boyfriend].

12. I need to hug [current boyfriend].

13. I "have to" do work.

14. I haven't been having enough fun.

15. I haven't got a steady source of money other than allowance and babysitting.

16. I am getting greedy about money.

17. I am going to have a big phone bill.

18. [Current boyfriend] won't (at least not from calls to Martinez)

19. I have split ends.

20. I need to take a shower, I feel grubby.

21. I want to go to the movies and the party on Halloween, but I'm not sure if I'll have time to do both or if my parents will let me go to the party.

Accepting the madness 1979

I feel better today. I'm crazy, so it doesn't matter if I die.

[boy o' the moment] is still a fox.

Quotes(?) & fears 1979

You're smart when you only believe half of what you read and you're brilliant if you know which half!

D.O.A. [I think that was a song I recorded off the Dr. Demento show] has made me fill [sic] like I'm going to die. I am scared. I need someone.